I’m getting ready for our book club meetup tomorrow, and there’s one idea in The Four Agreements that I cannot seem to leave alone.
Domestication.
Well, that’s a fun fucking word to apply to your own upbringing.
And then your parenting.
Because apparently I couldn’t just read a book, underline something interesting, and go about my business. Now I’m thinking about generations of people teaching other people how to be people.
People who were also still figuring out how to be people.
That explains a few things.
I can see how we got here.
The way I understand domestication in this book is that we learn the beliefs, expectations, and rules of the people around us. We learn what gets approval, what gets us in trouble, and what we’re supposed to do to belong.
And before we’re really old enough to question much of it, a whole lot of it has already become normal to us.
This intrigues the hell out of me.
It also frustrates me.
But I can’t find one convenient person to point at and be angry with, because I can see the cycle. I can see it in my childhood, and I can see myself participating in it as a mother.
I was never sitting around thinking, You know what these kids need? Domestication.
I wanted them to be safe. To be capable. To know how to function in this world and do something meaningful with their lives.
I still want that.
And when you live in a society with other people, there are things you have to learn. Your choices affect people. There are responsibilities. There are consequences.
We can’t all just follow our every impulse and hope the neighborhood survives.
I have children. I have concerns about that plan.
So what would doing this differently even look like?
I’ve actually tried to imagine raising a family without passing along expectations, beliefs, or ideas about how life works.
I can’t quite picture it.
Even deciding to raise your children differently involves deciding what you believe is a better way.
And then teaching them that.
See? Rabbit hole.
At some point I have to come back up for air because I’m forty, I have shit to do, and I cannot personally redesign the entire human experience before book club tomorrow.
But I do think we can get more aware of what we’re passing along.
Why do I believe this?
Where did I learn it?
Is it still useful?
Am I teaching something that will help my child, or repeating something because it’s what I know?
And sometimes the answer might be, “Actually, yes, this is useful. We’re keeping this one.”
Other times it might be, “Oh. I’ve never really thought about why I say that.”
That second one is where things get interesting.
And occasionally uncomfortable as hell.
This is why the agreements are getting my attention.
I’m starting to understand them as things I can practice when those old lessons are running in the background.
Being more careful with my words.
Paying attention to what I take personally.
Because I can read about a concept and find it fascinating all day long. Applying it while I’m frustrated with someone I love is where I find out how much practice I actually need.
Apparently, understanding the assignment and completing the assignment remain separate departments.
We’ve discussed this.
I don’t expect to suddenly catch every thought or respond beautifully in every conversation.
But maybe I notice something afterward that I wouldn’t have noticed before.
Maybe I recognize why I got so upset.
Maybe I hear what came out of my mouth and realize that wasn’t what I meant to communicate at all.
Then I have somewhere to start.
I can talk about it. I can apologize when I need to. I can try another way next time.
I’m interested in that kind of growth. The kind I can actually use while living my very real, occasionally chaotic life.
I'm not excusing it, but I am saying I'm human and it takes time to unlearn something you've believed/thought/done for a long period of time.
Part of the domestication process is self inflicted when we have false expectations of ourselves.
And then my brain wandered into education.
Because of course it did.
I keep wondering how different things could be if we learned to recognize some of this earlier.
We spend so much time teaching children what they need to know to get through school and eventually get a job. And I understand why those things matter.
But what about learning how to examine a belief?
How to recognize when you’re reacting out of fear?
How to disagree with someone without deciding one of you has to be a terrible person?
Hell, I’m still learning those things.
I have questions about the education system and how well one approach can serve so many different kids. But the further I followed that thought, the more I kept coming back to home.
Because education starts there.
And that, my friend, is where I wish I’d understood this sooner.
Before some of the conversations we’ve had. Before some of my own reactions. Before I’d spent so much time trying to figure out why something wasn’t working without knowing what else to try.
I wish I’d had more understanding to work with.
But here we are.
And I’m trying to let “here we are” be a place I can do something from.
Maybe awareness can arrive a little earlier each time.
I don’t think one generation is going to get together and say, “Good news! We fixed the parenting. Everyone can relax now.”
Wouldn’t that be nice, though?
Maybe what happens is smaller.
I become aware of something now. I practice it. My kids get to experience some of that learning, even if they also experienced plenty of me before I understood it.
Maybe something they learn helps them recognize a pattern sooner than I did.
They’ll have their own things to figure out. I’m sure of that.
But I like the possibility that we can keep adding understanding as we go. That we can pass along something useful alongside the things we’re still working through.
That feels hopeful to me.
Because I can’t go back and raise myself again. I can’t go back and parent with information I didn’t have.
I can pay attention now.
And tomorrow I get to sit with a group of people who will hear all this, share their own experiences, and probably give me three more things to think about... and I LOVE THAT SO FUCKING MUCH!
I showed up to read a book and support a friend.
Now I’m contemplating generations of human behavior and wondering how much of my personality came preinstalled.
Seems like a perfectly reasonable rabbit hole to me.
🐰 Highlight from My Deliveries
One of my final deliveries today was to a house on a hill out in the country, with a freshly scraped dirt-and-gravel driveway.
UM.
My trusty Kia Sorento and I got less than halfway up before we were spinning wheels and rearranging somebody else’s driveway.
That was not one of the services I intended to provide.
I backed down and looked up at the cars parked at the top. They weren’t enormous trucks. They were comparable to mine. So theoretically, this was possible.
The Kia and I needed a moment to discuss our qualifications.
I tried again.
Same result.
I called the customer to explain that I might need to leave the package at the bottom. No answer. I didn’t feel right leaving it without talking to someone, and I wasn’t ready to return it for another delivery attempt either.
Then I noticed movement in a window.
And here comes my brain with a very helpful interpretation:
Are you seriously watching me struggle out here and not answering the phone?
To be clear, I was far enough away that I couldn’t tell who—or exactly what—I was seeing.
Did that stop me from assigning identities, motives, and a whole attitude to some distant window shadows?
Of course it fucking didn’t.
Eventually, I backed farther down, gave myself another run at it, and FINALLY MADE IT UP THE HILL.
And who had been watching my driveway struggle shenanigans?
Two little girls.
Well.
That does change the story I’d been telling myself.
When the lady came outside, she said, “I’m so glad you gave that all you got!”
I told her I was thankful she wasn’t upset about what my tires had done to the driveway, because I had been struggling. I also explained that I’d tried calling.
Turns out, the person whose number I was calling was out and couldn’t answer. She said leaving the package at the bottom would have been fine.
She explained that getting up their driveway takes some speed and told me I’d done great.
So there I was, laughing and feeling thankful, after briefly inventing a story about someone deliberately watching me struggle.
One of the agreements is about not making assumptions.
Apparently, my practical exercise came with loose gravel.
But what stayed with me afterward was that little moment of girl power. A woman cheering me on, two little girls watching, and me feeling pretty damn pleased that my trusty Kia and I had made it.
I hope those girls saw a lady struggle with their little mountain and eventually get to the top.
And I hope, somewhere along the way, they learn that struggling with something doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of finding a way through it.
Today’s delivery came with a hill, an assumption I had to reconsider, and a reminder that I’m still learning.
Very on brand.
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